How I am.

Läste igenom mina vanliga bloggar som jag brukar och kom till underbra Angelicas blogg och hon hade skrivit en inlägg om hur hon var och tänkte, och det var som att hon tog orden ur munnen på mig, jag är exakt likadan, tänker precis lika. Försöker låtsas som jag tänker och ser positivt "utåt" men detta är vad jag egentligen tänker, vad som egentligen försigår i mitt huvud.
"I spoke to my mum yesterday (we talk almost everyday) but yesterday we talked about why I am the way I am and what I can do to change. Specially now with my hospital visit and everything! We did not really make any progress. Maybe a little.
I'll try to explain this short and simple. I've always had very, very, VERY high expectations of myself. In school, if I didn't get the highest scores or grades, I thought I sucked. When I painted I could get happy for a very short period about the result and then start thinking NO I SUCK. I just thought I sucked at everything unless it was TOP NOTCH, it never was.

This became a huge problem when Roberto and I started dating. We almost broke up ones (in the beginning) because of it. I actually think that might have been a big part why we had our break too. Because this makes me very needy sometimes. For his attention, not now anymore. That's actually some progress I've made. Hmm NEver thought of that. I NEVER see progress. I might see some when I compare one thing, let's say my face charts, from the first one until today. But I still think they're just as bad... yes that's another thing. I say they're just as bad. Instead of just as good. Because they are good. I think.

ANYWAYSSSS... My mum said yesterday, something like "I ask you some things to make you think about problems differently". Now I totally undestand and knew what she meant BUT the first thing that popped into my head was "But why, do I usually think in a bad way". It's always ALWAYS the negative. Not little negative things HUGE negative things.

The big question we came to after our long conversation was. How on EARTH am I so happy? How can I be happy when I think nothing I do is good enough, I don't think I fit in with many people because, why would they want to be my friend? It doesn't seem as people want to be my friend."

RSS 2.0